Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
