At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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