some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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