people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
