Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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