Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's rum buckets o'clock
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
