there's paper in my vomit.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize