my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
