im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
