I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
