life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
