I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
