Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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