My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
