Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
