I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
