i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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