You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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