I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
