1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
