So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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