Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
