i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
