i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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