I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
