and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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