yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My cat gives me a boner
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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