My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
