i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
