My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
