Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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