i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
