I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
