After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
