just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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