they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
