My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
