oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
