also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
