Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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