i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Reggie can tackle my bush.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize