I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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