So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
