Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
