i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize