you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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