This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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