I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
