i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
