am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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