after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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