It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
