I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
