Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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